On and off the edge....

I am going a little over the edge.  It is temporary.

For some reason he seems worse on weekends.
I had a bit of turkey and he likes it.  So I pinch off very tiny bite sized bits, as he seems to gnarf.  Last weekend it was some chicken... swallowed a bunch and threw ALL of it back at me.  Totally emptied his stomach of about half an hour of eating so I was worried he had no ability to digest.
But this week he seems to do good for about two teaspoons of canned food about three times a day and lots of treats to chase.  He is barely munching the dry.
So.... this morning he did the same thing with about a nice teaspoon and a half or so of tiny turkey chunks.

Yesterday I got my jar of DCA.  It is powdered and I apparently need a device that cannot be found - a .01mg scale - on a weekend.  I have a friend that I can't get to that we were going to measure out dosages of this completely uncertified tumor shrinking compound that I was hoping might make room in his body for bodily functions by making the cantaloupe a little smaller....
With him turning up his nose at food... well not really but having a perpetual upset stomach, I am not sure how to get it into him.  He really holds a grudge now when I give him his meds....

More to come, just venting.
Tomorrow I will get some of the special diet the vet gave me to shove down his throat and tell her of my science experiments.  But today I just watch him... sleep... and worse, just stare.
dj*

November? REALLY!

I am checking in because I have filled his monthly prednisone twice, so we are into three months and he looks like he is going to have a litter of 10 kittens!  His personality is the same but last weekend I had a freak out.  Mostly I worry he is going to starve.  That tumor is squeezing his organs to nothing, but he is breathing nicely, smoothly, quietly and purring as he does... when he does.
We had snacks.  I was eating some grocery store chicken and he was begging so he had super small tid-bits and quite a few!  I love it when he eats.... but...
Less than 10 minutes from putting the left overs away, he threw up a WHOLE stomach of all of our snacks.   His bowel movements have been regular and every other day.  A bit smaller than used to be, but this day it was hardly any... I was freaking that he was unable to eat and digest!

I ran and got pumpkin which had helped in his youth for constipation, and it was a good Holiday treat.
For the last two days he is fine.  Had a second movement the next day which made up for the stoppage.

So I have these episodes.

And I am looking into tumor shrinkers.  Some untested unapproved stuff that is over the counter... well non-prescription that I would only try as my other option is putting him to sleep.

I will post more, but honestly, he is pretty much himself!  Which is amazing and worth every minute we have...

Long Weekends.

He greeted me with a half-hearted stretch this morning.  I think the belly is stretching his skin a bit much and he stops after reaching out with his paws.  He doesn't follow through all the way to the tip of his tail like he used to.  We slept with the window open and it was wonderful.  I don't keep the air conditioning very low as I don't actually DO much around here in the summer anyway, so I don't mind, but I have worried that he may be uncomfortable.  He has a corner in the office/studio that is on the tile and he will sit in there while I type.  Sometimes he stays after I leave.
He has started protesting being petted.
He was NEVER a cuddler, but when he was sick before we would commune.  He would not put up with my lap but always found a flat spot from chin to belly on me to sleep most of the night.  In the winter, I think he found it too warm.  He will pop up beside me (always just as I am starting to doze off....) and say hi, but when I pet him, he backs off.....
I notice him staring off into space.
Last week he had a couple of tummy upsets but he is eating the wet food (OH, how much I hate that stuff!  I was so proud he never bothered me with opening cans because I gave in to begging etc.  NOW he will brazenly reach up to sniff the french fries I bring into the house... just in case he wants it!) and it moves past the mass quite handily.
What a trouper.
He doesn't like fingers.  He bites.... but he LOVES to rub against my toes.

The Photos of the End

I have to show you what stopped my life cold last month.

The Dude now looks like a pregnant girl with a four or five kitten litter ready to pop.  I must say, he actually acts that way too.  But... I was explained that the BIG WHITE BALL (a month ago... this was about the size of my fist) is a tumor.  Nothing more or less.  The little blip open space at the high spot near his spine is his stomach, the couple of blops at the bottom are  his bowel.

He has been eating soft food and I am setting my own time table:  When he doesn't have a bowel movement for three days or he begins vomiting a lot, I will know it has taken up all of his digesting space and we will have to make arrangements.....

..... but..... this time there is NO good outlook.  Anyone who has a vet in town that actually thinks they want to whittle him away would be welcome, but I cannot pay.  I am reactivating my go fund me account, to see if I can give the extra to my own absolutely wonderful vet who has worked with me so long and been so generous.  I am WAY behind, and fighting to pay the other bills. JUST something to feel like I am useful.

MEANWHILE, he is absolutely normal.
I was thinking of renaming the blog "Dead Cat Walking" but although morbidly humorous, I can't sustain the giggle that I had when he merrily waddled away and took a swipe at my foot on the way.

This post may not last long.  I just needed to vent... I mostly just watch him sleep and see him inhaling and exhaling and it makes me happy.....
Thanks to you all.  I really can't tell you how much I appreciated EVERY single one of you.
dj*

BAD news.

After a year of my same old aloof, snotty, judgemental cuddly beautiful guy back, a month or so ago, he decided he liked dark rooms more. Nothing much, just sleeping a lot which is a good response to the heat. Then a couple of weeks ago his fat belly seemed not to go down after he ate. So today we went to the doc and he has a tumor, literally baseball sized, squeezing his guts and she says there appear to be some nodules on his heart.

In a perfect world, we would go to an oncologist and find it operable and it would all be covered under some research grant.

I fear my pals who helped so much last year are just going to have to know we gave him a really great year, but his timer is going to run out at about 13. How suitable for a black cat.

I have prednisone which may reduce the inflammation and slow it, but from the speed I saw it grow, I don't think he will see Halloween.

SOOOOOOOOOOoooooo sad.....

Goodbye to my Mother

Last night at 8 pm my mom, Phyllis McDonnell, told her husband she wanted to die. She had not had any relief from the pneumonia that she was hospitalized for so she could continue her treatment for lung cancer when she "got stronger."

Three weeks in the hospital and only two pounds weight gain to show for it, and after my visit on Sunday, she decided to get out of bed on her own Monday night and broke her hip.

Now, when they asked if she was in pain, she was saying "Yes."

So, because the hairline fracture meant no walking (as if she could) they decided to put her into a rehab hospital on Saturday morning.

It was after that very long and strenuous day that she told Thomas her husband, she was ready to go.

At 11 he got the call that she had gotten her wish.

LOVED THAT WOMAN.

She always expected the best from me and was never disappointed in anything. Now I will have to come up with my own substance. Never as good as her unflinching approval.

The Day After Thanksgiving

To begin, the Dude is so well!!! I almost ignore him.

He is chasing around, occasionally sitting on my chest. Yacking at the in the morning for the food I don't have to give him any more... he is about three or maybe four pounds heavier and back to himself!

That is definitely a reason to be thankful.

And the fact that his health has freed me to help mom and her husband.

Monday night, after my third trip to see her in Yuma since they came home in October the day before, her husband called to say that she had fallen out of bed that night and fractured a hip.

The lung cancer was unchanged after almost a year of devastating chemo. I sort of watched her wind come from her sails when they said "lets get that pneumonia taken care of and we can start a different treatment - NOT chemo, not quite as bad....."

Well she is in her third week in the hospital, and now, when they ask, she gets to tell them she IS in pain. Which means they are moving into morphine.

When I saw her Sunday, I was able to let her husband (he is so much her soulmate and they really love each other) have a little relief time, but she was about 5 minutes of happy to see me. She complains that she HATES people just watching her.

Today they are thinking of moving her into a facility where she is better suited. Home hospice might be too much for him, even though I am willing (and ABLE NOW THAT THE DUDE IS WELL!) to run out and help. Three hours is a breeze for someone you love.

But they figure it is now a matter of days.

So... sniffle, sniffle.... I wanted to tell you all how much I appreciated you watching my boy recover. I was hoping I would announce something similar for my mom, but I have this plan...

I am in the process of making a very large drawing. It is from the last time she had much energy when she stopped into Phoenix a month or so ago.

She had lost a lot of weight but I swear, she was more beautiful than I even remember her. The photos are awful, but the drawing -done in pure silver on canvas - is 60" high by 18 wide. Hard to photograph because it is so shiny, it is about 80% done.

My plan is that when she moves out of this sick and beat up body, she can move into this very precious drawing and look over me forever.

What a gift moms and cats and friends are.