A Kiss Goodbye.

From when he was about 3 months old.  He would know I would not let him go without a kiss.

I didn't get one today.   I gave him one on the head after he had gone.
Just too sick.

But he sat in the sun for almost an hour... 40 degrees and cold as it needs to be in Phoenix.  He was content:

It is not the end of the blog, I will tell you a little more but it is the end of our guy.

LOVE you so much.  

Small Victory!

He is on the soft.  ON it, not under it.

I bought a little heating pad called a Cozy Spot, which is basically a pocket with two holes sewed on an 8" heating pad.  Not really hot, not really big and I put it under the towel I keep for him so the tile floor doesn't chill him more than my already chilly, space-heated room.

After a bad attempt at letting the pepcid dissolve (too anxious on my part) and finding both his pills still in the syringe, I gave him a soggier smaller dose and tried to hurry him outside for his promised sit.

Brrr.  HE may have enjoyed it but humans are not strong enough to sit there and chill, so it was a brief escape.  I caught him at the water bowl and he had tried a taste of the AD.  AD smells something yuck, which cats - normal cats - find very yum.  He gave it a couple of licks.   I am not sure if that indicates he is getting the tiniest appetite again or what but he didn't even try it yesterday.

And I brought him to the sofa and left him on the electric blanket.    And, he stayed for a while while I sketched.

Now when I go back, he will probably have hunkered down again, but he tolerated me again.

Success!

My vet does not think I am crazy.

MAN!  I was so happy.
There is a great acceptance of the miraculous going on, but she said that prednisone can really mess up their tummy so go get pepcid!  I am back up on the prednisone with a promise to come back after he is fattened up.

I want to apologize again to everyone who is so patient with me portending my trip to euthanize him and not doing it.  There are STILL viable options with his condition and I am just too effing stubborn to give up.

Well, we may be premature.

So I have been so worried about his kidneys I wanted him to reduce the prednisone.  Apparently those side effects I was not seeing (weight gain and over-eating) were diminishing.  So I just watched him war with me about food for a whole day and went back to the full dose.
Today he is so much more himself.
He loves to go outside and watch the birds.  The dove circles him and the two mocking birds that eat his leftovers watch, he watches back.  I have not had much luck of recent days doing much but sitting outside, but he does think the same kibble is tastier out there.
I keep reading about acclimating pets to new food.  It seems he literally cycles.  One day he only likes treats.  One day it is the fake steak red bits in the kitten food.  One day the green ones.  I swear, he is messing with me!

So, because he has a foot stool near the window but likes to sleep on the electric blanket all day (on) I saw a little sort of an electric muff in the Walgreens and put it on his glass viewing table with a (yes, I have one) Snuggy, all folded up to allow me to unplug and possibly save a bit of fear and electricity.

He is good today.

I am ok too!

Talking to myself...

When you have four followers, I know this information is not earth shattering.
I know it is a lot more isolating caring for the sick, whether human or furry, and I have exhausted the ears of my face to face friends, but I am venting again.

Seems like holidays and weekends tend to seem worse.  Not sure if it is me because I have no distractions or if what I am seeing I should be looking at EVEN MORE closely.   He is sleeping a lot.   He is not eating again.  I am hallucinating the tummy is getting bigger.

Bigger.... about like he was in September when I brought him in because he was throwing up and acting oddly.   Now I am not at all sure what oddly is.  BUT because I am inflicting nourishment on him multiple times a day, he does not vomit much at all.  Tends to on empty to wake me up gently in the morning, running for the paper towels!  But more than a week apart.  When he was healthy he would eat too much too fast and throw a full tummy up... when I was gone it would end up cleaned up by him, but as I am around a lot more now, I know it is staying down and only once.

His fur is shiny, although when I pet him a lot it looks clumpy.  I know that is static electricity because we spark a bit too.  Unloved he is fluffy, not shedding and full.

There are very odd and distinct brown clumps in the irises of his tree-frog green eyes.  I wish I knew someone skilled in pet virology because I KNOW it is telling us something.

And he barely notices birds when we go out.

My plan was to sort of stimulate his appetite.  Let him think of stalking his food and bring him in to chase treats... but he is so used to it, he barely chatters at the mocking bird or two and the Inca dove that tends to join us (THEY like the kibble... even if he is ignoring it.)

Yesterday a neighbor and her sister walked by and humans chatted, but he made an escape right out of his collar and into the door.  That was great!  I don't want him panicking but if he comes inside I don't have to fear him running off.

So.... I see him doing little muscle twitches that I think must be from the DCA.  I am going to invest in the B1 they say we need and the neuropathy is reversible.  BUT I still don't know what that tumor IS.  I am trying to cut the steroids in case I actually have a whole cat at the end of this.  I would like him functional, not sick from the side effects... but I really am hoping his wonderful sleepy, cheerful self (not him, really... so I know he is not well) can stay a LOT longer.  But I really will need to get a life SOME day!

Gruel

I have been beside myself trying to get more food into him and less on me.
There is a phenomenon.  He still eats kibble.  Mostly as a treat, as in when thrown.  My samples of some Blue Buffalo and Taste of the Wild are great when I take him outside for his jaunts.  Usually if the birds have not eaten all the snacks thrown earlier in the day, he will down small handfuls.  Not enough to qualify as meals but enough to qualify as eating.
So this morning I softened up a fist full with warm water and while softening I put them on the floor and LO! He ate a bit of that!
Soggy kibble plus some instant uber condensed dried food to maximize caloric intake will save a LOT over the $2 per go cans.  When he stops getting to hungry at night so he gags and throws up empty in the AM I think I will feel much better.
Also, he is looking big.  He has a soft but roundish belly.  I can't tell if it is healthy, can't remember how big or hard the tumor felt, but this seems squishy and cat-like.  I sort of wish I could see him skinny.  JUST to know I was fattening him up.

I washed the "Jethro leash" my friends shamed me into trying to upgrade, but it never seemed to make it out of the washer..... may have to check to be sure it is not wound up in horrible places.  Here is a wonderful photo of a recent jaunt.

Season's Greetings from The Dude!

Hefty!

I swear.  He is getting bulkier.
Yesterday a friend gave me a couple of bags of the cat food she feeds her pets.  Blue Buffalo and Taste of the Wild.   He ate it like treats.  I didn't put it in a bowl, for fear he would know I wanted him to eat a lot.
He is eating (not nearly enough) but kibble and on his own.
The vertebrae are less visible and I really can't tell if the belly is round from eating properly or if it is still the tumor.  I would sort of like to see it a bit shrunken, but I can't honestly remember what a normal tummy feels like.  It LOOKS perfect.
He is leaving his little halter on all the time.  It is a wee bit tighter than I like it but he is very comfortable with it up in his armpits so when I link my "Jethro" lead to it, he just saunters our the front door with less stress.
The trips outside seem really to help him.  He is more alert and much grumpier.  He has always been grumpy.  Demanding and vocal, I was worried at first and then realized that the sweeter he is, the sicker he is.  His returning nastiness is all great!
dj*

The Dude on a walk...

My boy is an indoor cat.

I have had a very bad habit of allowing my indoor cats to go walking as their end is near.  Partially because they are weaker and I can catch them, but also because it is boring sitting around looking sick.

So I found this little dinky collar that goes around his neck and under his elbows.  He CAN pull out backwards but he has to do just enough squiggling that I can catch him.

My DCA treatments have VISIBLY shrunk his tumor.  I was not taking photos as I found it too depressing. The ones I have... well black is a very slimming color so you can't really see the bulge, but my description of about to have a litter of 10 kittens really summed it up.

Except that he won't eat enough food (he likes treats but only about 20 at a time, I tricked him into some kitten food but that was still only a few) canned or dry or anything twice to keep him alive while I give him the meds, I am slurping pumpkin/A/D pet-food and whatever open can he would not eat in the mix 6-10 fat syringefuls on both of us and hopefully into him daily.

BUT he is looking so good, I am going to keep it up.

\

No trips anywhere for the holidays... which is a GREAT thing!

Svelt...

Seriously, I swear he is getting skinny.  Not in an emaciated way (although really, he is not back to normal) but I used to cringe watching him walk away with that roundness BULGING out of him.  Well, I just look and think, I am going nuts, but it is smaller.  Like a grapefruit, not a cantaloupe and although he is bonier, he shoulders are not as bad as they were when he was really sick!

So.
Anyone know what will create an appetite?  I mean I am personally shoving all the food I can into his little mouth.  I know it is not enough but it seems to be what he needs to feed the medicine into that tumor!

Today we did enjoy TOGETHER some chicken from the grocery store.  He had about 5 or six begs and DID eat them when tossed for a while.  Then a break and a couple more.

I tried again in about an hour and he ate.

The trouble is, anything he SEEMS to like one day, he just turns his nose up at the next.

So I am wearing some Fancy Feast fish flavor today.

Hallucinating again...

Because this stuff I am giving him is untested and unregulated, I am flying blindly here, but I had a great day yesterday.

I decided he should get a chance to see the world outside the window so I took him out on a string and let him roll in the dust and bask in direct sun.... and grumble as I was not letting him run free or even very far as he would easily pull out of my little loop (I would NOT let it be a full slip knot so I stopped it from closing) but he was definitely enjoying.  Then RIGHT in and shove food plus med and right out again so he had mental residuals of excitement not force feeding.

And I remembered I had purchased some minced clams.  Was told cats love the stuff.  Poured a little on his open tin of cat food and he was SNARFING... not the whole thing, but large visible bits!
I can't really tell if he is being stubborn from my ambushes or actually anorexic.

BUT here is the hallucination.
I SWEAR his profile is looking normal.  I feel the hardness in his belly but from above, just walking by, he looks like a normal cat!
(The sellers of the DCA are not real good at advice and don't have a very thorough site for info, but they are good cheerleaders, saying that the WORST side effects are some neuropathy and if the tumor dies too quickly it can overload the animals system and cause organ failure.)  But as the prognoisis is so bad, we are double dosing and I swear, I THINK I see results.

Pat me on the head and say "well.. that is very nice..."  I don't mind being humored.

A year?

Wow.  I missed it.  Today is the year anniversary of my last post about  Mom.  Which is good.  I wrote it on the calendar wrong.  I knew it was two days after Thanksgiving and knew it was a Saturday but got the DATE of Thanksgiving wrong.
I guess I am sort of happy as the Dude is up and relatively  normal.  Not so groggy.  Not so sleepy but still not so hungry. But he has made it past her anniversary so unless he goes on Christmas Eve (when I lost Dad) I may have only two terrible anniversaries during the holidays....

I have decided to reduce his prednisone a little.  His kidneys are going a bit over the edge.
I have my Magic Bullet out and am trying to make tasty slime for him to lap up as he will crunch treats but prefers the soup in the cat food to the substance.  (Personally I still think he is messing with me.)

The powder is now being measured  and applied to scraps of the last of the turkey left overs.  He doesn't taste it at all.  But apparently chicken does not hold the same appeal.  I have some livers I was going to try to cook and mash, but I think I will see if he finishes off the smelly old 9 Lives I got him.

We play a game of tag all morning.
He used to like waking me up and begging for food and I would give him his meds during munch time.  But now his appetite is way down and after waking me up, he makes me leave so he can eat in peace.
Tomorrow I will wake up and dose him.  Let the worst thing be first and he can sulk if he wants, but I can drink my coffee anywhere I want without waiting for him to come out to eat!
dj*

On and off the edge....

I am going a little over the edge.  It is temporary.

For some reason he seems worse on weekends.
I had a bit of turkey and he likes it.  So I pinch off very tiny bite sized bits, as he seems to gnarf.  Last weekend it was some chicken... swallowed a bunch and threw ALL of it back at me.  Totally emptied his stomach of about half an hour of eating so I was worried he had no ability to digest.
But this week he seems to do good for about two teaspoons of canned food about three times a day and lots of treats to chase.  He is barely munching the dry.
So.... this morning he did the same thing with about a nice teaspoon and a half or so of tiny turkey chunks.

Yesterday I got my jar of DCA.  It is powdered and I apparently need a device that cannot be found - a .01mg scale - on a weekend.  I have a friend that I can't get to that we were going to measure out dosages of this completely uncertified tumor shrinking compound that I was hoping might make room in his body for bodily functions by making the cantaloupe a little smaller....
With him turning up his nose at food... well not really but having a perpetual upset stomach, I am not sure how to get it into him.  He really holds a grudge now when I give him his meds....

More to come, just venting.
Tomorrow I will get some of the special diet the vet gave me to shove down his throat and tell her of my science experiments.  But today I just watch him... sleep... and worse, just stare.
dj*

November? REALLY!

I am checking in because I have filled his monthly prednisone twice, so we are into three months and he looks like he is going to have a litter of 10 kittens!  His personality is the same but last weekend I had a freak out.  Mostly I worry he is going to starve.  That tumor is squeezing his organs to nothing, but he is breathing nicely, smoothly, quietly and purring as he does... when he does.
We had snacks.  I was eating some grocery store chicken and he was begging so he had super small tid-bits and quite a few!  I love it when he eats.... but...
Less than 10 minutes from putting the left overs away, he threw up a WHOLE stomach of all of our snacks.   His bowel movements have been regular and every other day.  A bit smaller than used to be, but this day it was hardly any... I was freaking that he was unable to eat and digest!

I ran and got pumpkin which had helped in his youth for constipation, and it was a good Holiday treat.
For the last two days he is fine.  Had a second movement the next day which made up for the stoppage.

So I have these episodes.

And I am looking into tumor shrinkers.  Some untested unapproved stuff that is over the counter... well non-prescription that I would only try as my other option is putting him to sleep.

I will post more, but honestly, he is pretty much himself!  Which is amazing and worth every minute we have...

Long Weekends.

He greeted me with a half-hearted stretch this morning.  I think the belly is stretching his skin a bit much and he stops after reaching out with his paws.  He doesn't follow through all the way to the tip of his tail like he used to.  We slept with the window open and it was wonderful.  I don't keep the air conditioning very low as I don't actually DO much around here in the summer anyway, so I don't mind, but I have worried that he may be uncomfortable.  He has a corner in the office/studio that is on the tile and he will sit in there while I type.  Sometimes he stays after I leave.
He has started protesting being petted.
He was NEVER a cuddler, but when he was sick before we would commune.  He would not put up with my lap but always found a flat spot from chin to belly on me to sleep most of the night.  In the winter, I think he found it too warm.  He will pop up beside me (always just as I am starting to doze off....) and say hi, but when I pet him, he backs off.....
I notice him staring off into space.
Last week he had a couple of tummy upsets but he is eating the wet food (OH, how much I hate that stuff!  I was so proud he never bothered me with opening cans because I gave in to begging etc.  NOW he will brazenly reach up to sniff the french fries I bring into the house... just in case he wants it!) and it moves past the mass quite handily.
What a trouper.
He doesn't like fingers.  He bites.... but he LOVES to rub against my toes.

The Photos of the End

I have to show you what stopped my life cold last month.

The Dude now looks like a pregnant girl with a four or five kitten litter ready to pop.  I must say, he actually acts that way too.  But... I was explained that the BIG WHITE BALL (a month ago... this was about the size of my fist) is a tumor.  Nothing more or less.  The little blip open space at the high spot near his spine is his stomach, the couple of blops at the bottom are  his bowel.

He has been eating soft food and I am setting my own time table:  When he doesn't have a bowel movement for three days or he begins vomiting a lot, I will know it has taken up all of his digesting space and we will have to make arrangements.....

..... but..... this time there is NO good outlook.  Anyone who has a vet in town that actually thinks they want to whittle him away would be welcome, but I cannot pay.  I am reactivating my go fund me account, to see if I can give the extra to my own absolutely wonderful vet who has worked with me so long and been so generous.  I am WAY behind, and fighting to pay the other bills. JUST something to feel like I am useful.

MEANWHILE, he is absolutely normal.
I was thinking of renaming the blog "Dead Cat Walking" but although morbidly humorous, I can't sustain the giggle that I had when he merrily waddled away and took a swipe at my foot on the way.

This post may not last long.  I just needed to vent... I mostly just watch him sleep and see him inhaling and exhaling and it makes me happy.....
Thanks to you all.  I really can't tell you how much I appreciated EVERY single one of you.
dj*

BAD news.

After a year of my same old aloof, snotty, judgemental cuddly beautiful guy back, a month or so ago, he decided he liked dark rooms more. Nothing much, just sleeping a lot which is a good response to the heat. Then a couple of weeks ago his fat belly seemed not to go down after he ate. So today we went to the doc and he has a tumor, literally baseball sized, squeezing his guts and she says there appear to be some nodules on his heart.

In a perfect world, we would go to an oncologist and find it operable and it would all be covered under some research grant.

I fear my pals who helped so much last year are just going to have to know we gave him a really great year, but his timer is going to run out at about 13. How suitable for a black cat.

I have prednisone which may reduce the inflammation and slow it, but from the speed I saw it grow, I don't think he will see Halloween.

SOOOOOOOOOOoooooo sad.....

Goodbye to my Mother

Last night at 8 pm my mom, Phyllis McDonnell, told her husband she wanted to die. She had not had any relief from the pneumonia that she was hospitalized for so she could continue her treatment for lung cancer when she "got stronger."

Three weeks in the hospital and only two pounds weight gain to show for it, and after my visit on Sunday, she decided to get out of bed on her own Monday night and broke her hip.

Now, when they asked if she was in pain, she was saying "Yes."

So, because the hairline fracture meant no walking (as if she could) they decided to put her into a rehab hospital on Saturday morning.

It was after that very long and strenuous day that she told Thomas her husband, she was ready to go.

At 11 he got the call that she had gotten her wish.

LOVED THAT WOMAN.

She always expected the best from me and was never disappointed in anything. Now I will have to come up with my own substance. Never as good as her unflinching approval.

The Day After Thanksgiving

To begin, the Dude is so well!!! I almost ignore him.

He is chasing around, occasionally sitting on my chest. Yacking at the in the morning for the food I don't have to give him any more... he is about three or maybe four pounds heavier and back to himself!

That is definitely a reason to be thankful.

And the fact that his health has freed me to help mom and her husband.

Monday night, after my third trip to see her in Yuma since they came home in October the day before, her husband called to say that she had fallen out of bed that night and fractured a hip.

The lung cancer was unchanged after almost a year of devastating chemo. I sort of watched her wind come from her sails when they said "lets get that pneumonia taken care of and we can start a different treatment - NOT chemo, not quite as bad....."

Well she is in her third week in the hospital, and now, when they ask, she gets to tell them she IS in pain. Which means they are moving into morphine.

When I saw her Sunday, I was able to let her husband (he is so much her soulmate and they really love each other) have a little relief time, but she was about 5 minutes of happy to see me. She complains that she HATES people just watching her.

Today they are thinking of moving her into a facility where she is better suited. Home hospice might be too much for him, even though I am willing (and ABLE NOW THAT THE DUDE IS WELL!) to run out and help. Three hours is a breeze for someone you love.

But they figure it is now a matter of days.

So... sniffle, sniffle.... I wanted to tell you all how much I appreciated you watching my boy recover. I was hoping I would announce something similar for my mom, but I have this plan...

I am in the process of making a very large drawing. It is from the last time she had much energy when she stopped into Phoenix a month or so ago.

She had lost a lot of weight but I swear, she was more beautiful than I even remember her. The photos are awful, but the drawing -done in pure silver on canvas - is 60" high by 18 wide. Hard to photograph because it is so shiny, it is about 80% done.

My plan is that when she moves out of this sick and beat up body, she can move into this very precious drawing and look over me forever.

What a gift moms and cats and friends are.

THANK YOU

I have not posted anything because as they say, NO NEWS is GOOD NEWS. The only reports are that he is getting HUGE.

The weight is going on and his shoulders are broad again and his attitude is back and he is worry free!

The grateful for the freedom.

My cat was doing fine... fine... just staying alive, probably for a while... but I was tied from love to his medication. Meanwhile, I have a mother who is struggling with lung cancer.

She is in Yuma, a three hour drive, and my cat was keeping me from even short trips. No money for boarding, I missed helping her through hospitals and procedures... it was hard, but in one sense, obsessing on the Dude kept me out of her hair.

Now she really needs me. There are a lot of very hard decisions. There are people who are loving her too much, and we need to sit quietly and support, rather than leap to action as we want. The ability to leave my cat (this sounds horrible to anyone who has not loved a pet) to see my mother who is not doing so well with those simple doses like I was giving my cat, is such a real blessing, I ran over to the Dude, sitting on his table in the window, and GRABBED his face and kissed him, crying, saying thank you.

I am off again this week (pretty much one good trip a week for a while) to visit the oncologist and discuss NOT giving her more chemo. She is so sick from trying to get well, her husband is running up the phone bill calling EVERYWHERE for help, and I can go, hold her hand, listen to the doctors and stay in the middle and on the outside, just as needed.

THANK EVERYONE WHO HELPED ME FIX MY KID!

It SEEMED like it was a cat you saved, but it is my love for my mom that is the real benefit.